I almost spent my whole lifetime trying to run away from all my fears and pain; in order to avoid hurt, neglect, abandonment, agony…
I spent 30 years carrying all my own torment, pain and agony that I couldn’t truly let go. I never really understood what it really meant to let go. Was it to just try and embrace the reality of what has happened? Or did it mean I needed to just accept it and forget?
I tried so hard to do all this. But I still felt the agony weighing down my heart, to the point it was so unbearable to carry. I was chained to my past anguish, never-ending pain, anger, hurt, torment, bleeding heart, feeling of abandonment, neglect, trauma…
I felt as if I was murdered over a 100 times but was still left to be alive. Just to feel the agony over and over again. Even if I thought I was repressing it all deep deep inside me, I never stopped feeling the torment inside. Like I was being stabbed over and over. With a bleeding wound that would never halt. I tried not to let myself feel anymore, in order to numb the pain. But that didn’t work. Because deep inside, I was still being crushed over and over again. I felt deep inside that this was my reality; that I would never stop feeling this pain, anguish and torment. And that I would never truly feel happiness because of this. In order to avoid feeling more new pain or my existing pain over again, I constantly ran away from all my fears and tried running away from my past. But it was as if I was actually running back to it, just to feel all the hurt over again. I wired my mind to always think the worst; so that I would not feel as hurt anymore by anything or by anyone. It was my defense mechanism. I would not even allow myself to be happy really, because I was scared to feel that emotion, just to come back to my misery again. Because misery was my home, it was the only place I ever belonged. It was the only place I ever knew. The only thing I truly learned from life. It was the only home that I could run back to. I thought it was keeping me safe from ever feeling new deep pain again.
But finally after 30 years, I have an awakening moment. A moment of enlightenment within myself where something triggered me to go down memory lane and relive my most agonizing moments, which I thought ended me. And you would think after so many years, it wouldn’t hurt as much. But it hurts exactly the same as it did at that moment. But this time I let myself feel. Feel. I let myself feel. I think it’s a beautiful thing to feel something; to feel an emotion or feeling; whether it’s pain, happiness or any other emotion that exists. Because that’s how God made us. That’s how God is. He also has feelings.
This is why when you try to numb yourself, something doesn’t feel right actually. Because we were meant to feel things. We were meant to feel every essence of the beauty in life. We were meant to feel our own genuine smiles. We were meant to feel sadness when we needed to. But ultimately, we were meant to feel happiness because God was happy when he made us. And he wanted us to be as happy as he was, when he created everything into existence.
But things go wrong; wrong choices are made at times that alter the entire future.
I find it strange how God does not choose to just show himself, and make it easy for us to love him or know him. But he hides himself because he wants us to choose him from our hearts. He wants us to choose to love him back, from the hints of his love that he sends us.
I always knew about the cross. The story of the cross. Who Jesus is. I knew. I also learned it. Jesus also touched my heart. But as I always numbed my heart not to feel pain, I basically couldn’t feel anything else. I spent years trying not to feel anymore. Because all I could feel was hurt. I didn’t understand why God allowed so much agony and pain into my life; into my heart, mind and soul. But for some reason he always allows the most pain to those he loves so much. Because he sees something even more special in them. Although, every soul and heart is precious to him.
And the quote by C.S. Lewis seems to be true:
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
C.S. Lewis
As I relived my past while reminiscing, it was like living through all those agonizing moments over again within minutes. And it felt really heavy for my soul and heart to handle again. But I’ve been carrying this excruciating load all my life. But something hit me. For some reason, something made me want to face my fears. Something made me want to go towards everything I was running away from. I want to risk it. I want to risk hurting, to possibly reach something amazing on the other side.
I always tried to stay in my safe home of misery and torture within myself. Like a prisoner that would never be set free. And then I realized at that moment, that this whole time I was carrying my own cross. My own heavy cross loaded with all my pain, my anguish and my past. I totally understand it now. The cross. Jesus. What it means. Why he did it. He had already taken my cross from me years before I was born. He didn’t want me to carry all this pain and hurt. Because he loves me so much. And the thing is, all these years that I was carrying my own cross, it was actually an illusion. Because Jesus had already taken it upon himself. He just wanted me to finally let go of the illusion that I had to carry this load of hurt, pain and torment on my own. This is why he always waited for the sick to step up in faith. To come to him.
So this is why he said:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
He wanted us to choose to let go of all that was holding us down because he had already freed us. But he was waiting for me to make the choice, to hand it over to him. To hand over the cross I thought I was carrying. And to take his hand instead.
This is why he said to the woman that was bleeding for 12 years “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” She went to Jesus. She believed Jesus would heal her. She was ready to let go of all her pain.
There is the story of the elephant that was chained down since he was young.
The elephant only remembered being a small elephant fighting against a chain and stake that wouldn’t budge. This is why, although it could now free itself, it no longer tried. To the elephant, the memory of that impossibility in the past was stronger than the real possibility of the present.
I was exactly the same way. I was scared to be free. I didn’t know I was already free.
I was scared to feel something I didn’t know. Happiness. It’s a stranger to me. I wouldn’t understand how to take it in or feel it, even if it came to me.
Not feeling misery is strange to me. I’ve felt it nonstop for so many years. I was already free but didn’t realize it until now.
So the thing is Jesus set us free on the cross. He had already taken it away from our shoulders. We think we are still walking with it on top of us. Or perhaps, we still want it there because it was something we were so used to.
I also had a vision of 50 knives being stuck in my heart from all sides; from every one who had stabbed me inside. But I see it now. I see Jesus pulling them out, one by one, to make the bleeding stop. Instead, he stabs himself with it, so he can hold on to the pain for me. And so that I can be free. So he says “By my wounds, you are healed”. I get it now. I totally get it now.
I can go towards everything I’m scared of now. The thing is, I’m also scared of happiness. But I think I can walk towards it now. I’m not afraid anymore. Because all these years I was so afraid and God never left me. He carried me through. He promises that he will never forsake us. And that I don’t even have to fear death, because he will be there waiting for me on the other side with open arms.
I always understood the story of the cross. I held it close to my heart but at the same time, I don’t think I ever really experienced it until now. The thing is I had to let go of my cross that I was holding, to experience the cross he had already taken away from me years and years ago. To experience the depths of his love for me, while he carried that cross thinking of me and you. I get it now. And it makes me smile. Because finally I feel something. I feel lighter. It was just so heavy.
I’m ready to let it all go. I’m ready to let Jesus love me, the way I was meant to be loved. I always wondered why he never allowed real love in my life or around me. I was always alone. I know he wanted me to know his love but I think I couldn’t truly understand that either, because I never knew what love really was. But now I know.
So I say that God leaves us a pair of wings on the edge of the cliff, for us to find and to fly. But then I also realized he sometimes shoves us off the cliff so that we can see that he will catch us. But also I write:
“In life you must fall unfathomable depths, to finally rise up to limitless heights. To finally spread your wings and fly.”
This is what I realized and this is why I wrote it. Once you hit the deepest part of the bottom, of your darkest pit, God will be there to lift you back up. And make sure you don’t sink any further into the end. He lets us choose to go find the wings he left for us from the bottom, to finally learn to fly. And to finally go upward towards your happiness. And you can only feel every essence of that freedom, that flight towards your happiness after you have hit the bottom of all bottoms. And even if you end up back there in the dark. He will be right there to hold you close. To shine towards you like the stars and the moon in the night.
So I’m ready to feel. I’m ready to walk towards all my fears.
So this is what it feels like not to be afraid. This is what peace feels like. This is what freedom is. Now I’m ready to meet my soulmate. Happiness.
I was always waiting for my soulmate to come to me. It’s the same with our soulmate named happiness. We were meant to be with happiness. But the answer is that we need to walk or run towards it. Although it may hurt along the way to get there. Although we may fall or trip on the way there.
The thing is, the fact that you are walking towards it now means you will make it. You will make it to the place you were meant to be. The home that I always thought was my home, is not.
I’m ready to go home.
Hi, Happiness.
Hi, Love.
I always ran away from Love or possible love. I didn’t understand what love was. But I knew who love was. The actual being of love. I craved it, like we all do. I knew it existed. Because I realized we don’t learn love. In my life, I only learned what hate was. But I still wanted to meet love, because I knew it existed.
I realized something today. We are love. We are the actual being of love. Because God is love. We are his children. The essence of our being is love. We were meant to love and be loved. This is why we are happiest when we love someone or when we are loved by someone. And if we actually love ourselves, we can be happy too.
I always wanted to be loved. I always wanted to receive love. I never really said I want to love someone or that I want to give love to someone. I needed it to come to me because I didn’t truly understand, what it is exactly. But I realized we need to love; there is a longing within all of us to actually give love and to just freely love others. But this world taught us how to hide the love that exists within us.
But love has already met me before time. God already planned my existence. He already loved me.
I’m ready to be who I was meant to be. To be love itself. To give. That’s what Jesus showed on the cross. His love.
I asked Jesus “How much do you love me?’”. He answered “This much”. Then he stretched out his arms and died.
Your soulmate is you. Love is your soulmate. You need to finally meet yourself and love yourself fully. The you that you were really meant to be.
Love yourself. Love others. Then you can experience the true love that exists.
And let God love you.